


Captain America vs Mega Dildotron 2000

by Welfycat



Series: The Porny Adventures of Captain America [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Dildo Robot, Gen, Porn Watching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-14
Updated: 2012-05-14
Packaged: 2017-11-05 09:38:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/404955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Welfycat/pseuds/Welfycat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain America is fighting a giant dildo-robot and somehow Tony is mostly alright with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain America vs Mega Dildotron 2000

**Author's Note:**

> Content Notes: Depiction of fictional (pornographic) attempted sexual assault of a super-powered human by a robot.
> 
> I am planning on writing more in this series, it will eventually be Steve/Tony.

Tony was on his way from the kitchen back to his special super secret laboratory, the one only JARVIS knew about, when he heard a sound he couldn't quite identify. Ever since the rest of the Avengers had moved into Stark Tower, Tony had gotten used to the sounds that came with living with other people. And then he'd gotten used to the sounds that came with living with a group of superheroes.

Occasionally Tony would hear a muffled thud or something dragging against the metal and then a pair of feet landing nimbly on the floor a few feet away, which told him that Clint was still in the process of exploring the air vents. Bruce had a special room in the basement of the tower for when the _other guy_ came to visit. So far Tony's reinforcements had mostly worked, but the sound proofing hadn't held out as well as he'd hoped. Thor was also a source of a significant amount of crashing and booming sounds within the tower and Steve had once accidentally torn a door off its hinges. Of course, Steve's apologies had lasted longer than it took Tony and Dummy to reattach the door. All in all, Natasha was the only person in Stark Tower who wasn't accidentally destroying the place every other day.

It took Tony a minute before he decided that whatever noise he'd heard had just been Thor watching TV with the volume turned all the way up, again, and he was about to continue on to his lab when he thought he heard Steve's voice coming from the same direction. Since Steve was supposed to be at SHIELD finishing up with the preliminaries for whatever project Fury wanted to throw at them, the only reasoning Tony could come up with was that Steve had somehow managed to get himself dragged into a press conference. Again.

Figuring that it should at least be amusing, Tony walked down the hall to the TV room that everyone tended to congregate in because it was close to the kitchen. He took three steps inside before he stopped suddenly as his eyes transfixed on the TV. In his defense, he had only been in the room for a few seconds and everyone else was still staring at the TV too.

"That can't be..." Tony said, trailing off as he stared the video of Captain America dodging a pillar that had been pushed in front of him.

"Uncanny, isn't it?" Clint asked from where he was perched on the back of the couch.

Bruce looked up from where he was sitting on the floor with his back resting against the couch. "So, what do you think the chances are that someone managed to clone Steve?"

"Not good," Tony said, relaxing a little when the camera did a close up on the false Captain America's face. Steve's eyes were a lighter shade of blue than the man on screen and his jawline wasn't quite right. Other than that the resemblance was, as Clint had said, uncanny, right down to the way the front of his hair was smoothed over to one side. "So, they're making movies about us already?" Tony asked as he walked around to sit in the armchair that was his.

Natasha and Clint snickered but before Tony could figure out why, Thor spoke. "Captain America is the only one whose image has been captured at the present time. It said so in the title."

Tony turned to find Natasha and Clint grinning with eerily identical expressions. "Okay, guys. Spill. What's going on?"

"Ask Thor the title of the show," Natasha said and Clint nearly lost his balance as he started to laugh outright.

Tony twisted around to look back at Thor, who was occupying the other armchair, but his eyes caught on the TV instead. Captain America was clearly hunting some kind of creature, and he rolled across the ground as he narrowly missed being sprayed with something that almost looked like white silly string. "Thor?"

"The screen informed me that this program is named Captain America vs Mega Dildotron Two Thousand. I chose it because our friend is being shown, though it does not seem to be him at all," Thor said, though Tony had stopped listening somewhere about the time of _Dildotron_.

Tony looked back at the TV, nearly against his own volition, just in time to see the robot emerge from the ruins of the factory with a terrifying laugh. It wasn't so much the laugh that terrified Tony, as it was the fact that the robot had two dildos for hands and another dildo where one might expect a dildo to be on a robot named Mega Dildotron 2000. "Why are we watching this?" Tony asked, unable to remove his gaze from the screen as it panned to Captain America looking stoically resolute.

"Because when Clint realized what Thor was watching he hid the remote so no one could change the channel," Bruce said, his voice a combination of resignation and amusement.

Tony was about to question why Clint would do such a thing but everyone had fallen into a rapt silence as they watched Captain America crouch down and move through the debris, his uniform already torn around the shoulders for some reason. Personally Tony thought that Steve's shoulders were nicer than this Captain America's, but that thought was lost in a low wash of outrage. First of all, who did these guys think they were, making porn of Captain America, a man who had saved the whole world including their porn studio. Steve would be mortified if he knew. Secondly, if there was going to be porn about the Avengers, why wasn't Iron Man in it? Tony knew he was damn sexy. He knew his suit was damn sexy, because he'd made it that way on purpose. He was cocky, brilliant, beautiful, and all around amazing. Why wasn't there any porn of him?

Resolving to correct this problem in the near future, Tony found his attention being once more dragged away by the fake Captain America calling "your reign of terror will last no longer, Mega Dildotron!" and rushing forward with his shield. Tony stared, vaguely aware that his jaw had dropped slightly open, and watched as Mega Dildotron shot streams of white liquid from his dildo-hands at Captain America.

Captain America dropped to his knees as his shield was covered with the liquid and finally let his dripping shield roll to the side with a loud clatter. Tony had to admit that the production values were pretty good for a porno, but the script was as terrible as could be expected.

"It is you who will be terrorized, Captain America," Mega Dildotron said, his voice somehow deep and robotic at the same time. "No one can withstand the full power of the Dildotron, not even you."

Tony was pretty sure the thump and the sound of muffled hysterical laughter was Clint falling from his perch on the couch.

Back on screen Captain America stood, sticking out his chest with pride despite the fact that the white liquid was slowly dripping down his front. "You have never met a man like me before, Mega Dildotron. You must be stopped; all of mankind depends on me. For justice!"

Tony snorted, because oddly that sounded almost exactly like something Steve might say when he challenged their latest villain. His amusement died completely as he watched Captain America charge Mega Dildotron, knowing that there was no way Captain America could defeat that thing without his shield and without his teammates. Seriously, where were the rest of the Avengers? There was no way they would just sit back and let Captain America take on a giant dildo robot by himself, and even if he had to consider the storyline from a pornographic perspective, the Avengers could all just have an orgy when they defeated Dildotron. Surely that would be more appealing, especially if Iron Man was involved.

Captain America was doused in strands of the thick white liquid coming from Dildotron's dildo-hands - Tony was steadfastly refusing to think about that liquid was supposed to represent - and after a valiant and drawn out struggle that involved a lot of theatric thrashing on the floor, Captain America dropped his head in defeat.

"I have won, Captain America. And now you shall experience the full power of Mega Dildotron's Super Powered Dildo Thrusts!" the robot said and then cackled manically as it used its dildo-hands to tear off the rest of Captain America's uniform. Unsurprisingly this Captain America apparently went commando and he was impressively erect.

Tony stared, realizing that while he had never actively wanted to see this, now he really didn't. Seeing a guy in a Captain America costume being fucked by a dildo robot, whether or not he was enjoying it, was definitely on the list of things Tony thought he might never recover from watching.

Mega Dildotron dropped to his robot-knees over Captain America's sprawled form, and just as Tony was about to insist that Clint hand over the remote so they could turn the TV off, a victorious grin emerged over Captain America's face. "That's what you think!"

Tony and every other man in the room cringed as Captain America used his super strength to break off Mega Dildotron's main dildo. Even Thor shifted uncomfortably; apparently some things were universal.

They all watched the screen in something that was akin to shock as the very nude Captain America - who looked a lot less like Steve without the uniform - knocked down Mega Dildotron and stood on the robot's body and started to masturbate while the camera spent long seconds focused on parts of Captain America's very fit body. When he finished, adding his own fluids to the mess of liquid surrounding them, Captain America picked up Mega Dildotron and tore off his head in a flash of sparks. The movie ended on a long shot of Captain America, nude and victorious, cradling Dildotron's head under one arm.

"Holy shit!" Clint exclaimed and Tony nodded absently as the credits started to role. That was a sentiment he could entirely get behind. Not only did this movie give robots a bad name, but he couldn't imagine how the porn studio had thought that was hot. Except for the part where it somehow was and Tony found himself shifting uncomfortably on the couch as he suddenly became aware that he'd just watched porn with his teammates; porn that featured the likeness of one of their other teammates.

"Okay," Tony said as he found his voice. "New first rule of Stark Tower."

"You do not talk about Stark Tower," Clint supplied immediately, apparently having already recovered. Bruce and Natasha both smirked; Thor just looked even more confused.

Tony shook his head. "No, we don't tell Captain America that we watched porn about him. No, edit: we don't tell Captain America that there _is_ porn about him. Got it? No one tells him."

"Deal," Bruce said, and Tony got the vague impression that everyone else was nodding.

They all sat for a moment and in his mind Tony went back to that moment of satisfaction on Captain America's face as he announced his victory, and the way he held his shoulders and head back as he stood over Mega Dildotron. The composure there, the absolute certainty in his eyes, that had been like a kick in the gut and a jumpstart somewhere a little lower too, because Tony knew that expression so well just in the short amount of time he'd worked with Steve.

"I'm back. We've got some things to go over tomorrow at SHIELD, but that can wait until-" Steve's voice stopped along with his footsteps just inside the room.

Tony quickly glanced at the TV and was thankful to see that the channel had moved onto _Naughty, Wet, Naked Lesbian Schoolgirl Orgy_ , until he realized that it looked like everyone was sitting around together watching porn. "Hey, how did it go?" Tony asked, watching in slight fascination at the red flush that was slowly covering Steve's neck and cheeks.

Steve opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by a high pitched yelp from the TV speakers.

Tony turned back to the TV and watched for a moment as a very attractive and naked woman was being spanked over the knees of an equally attractive woman who was dressed as a school mistress of some kind. The woman being spanked was continuing to make all sorts of noises, while two more naked women were making out on the floor in front of the scene.

Steve opened his mouth again and then closed it before turning and leaving the room.

"JARVIS, would you turn off the TV?" Natasha asked.

"My pleasure," JARVIS said and the TV went dark immediately.

Tony blinked. "Why didn't I think of that?" he asked and quickly looked away from the smug twitch of Natasha's lips.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Капитан Америка против Мега Дилдотрона 2000](https://archiveofourown.org/works/549937) by [darkflame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkflame/pseuds/darkflame)




End file.
